Last week our marriage turned three! If you follow me on Instagram, you probably would have known this. But still, the caption length on Instagram is limited, so here I am, babbling some more, hihi 😬.
We decided to stay put at home this year instead of going on our annual anniversary trip because 1) We get to save money; 2) Our anniversary was in the middle of Ramadhan. Since it was our first time staying at home, I wanted to do something special and prepared a romantic dinner/buka puasa. That, in another post. Some of you may have seen it on Instagram, but I’ll go more into detail here on my blog 😊.
Since it’s only my third year of being married, I don’t feel eligible to be giving marriage advices. I have a lot more to learn. On top of that, all marriages and couples are different, and everyone knows their partner best, so I feel that it’s important to not make my experience yours, what more to use it as a benchmark for your own relationship.
I will, however, tell you what I’ve learned during the past three years.
Battle Your Own Way (and Communicate!)
Personally, a sign of a healthy relationship to me is when we occasionally fight. It shows that we still care about each other, we care about our relationship, and we want to make our partnership work. We fight for betterment, we figure out our issues, and together, we put it behind us so we can grow and move on to better things.
If you have read those relationship advices articles and watched those short How To Have a Healthy Relationship videos on Facebook, you would very well know that you are urged to choose water over fire. Although this might work, in some cases it wouldn’t, ie: mine.
For the first couple of years, I had been water. Oh yes, I’d been cooling, refreshing, peacefully flowing river water, thanks to the nonsense articles I’ve read / videos I’ve watched. Em has always been fire. Logically, water will be able to put off fire. Whilst this is true, a part of me felt like I was losing myself by not saying anything nor standing up for myself.
I am rebellious, I always have been. I always feel the need to civilly retaliate when my opinions are wrongfully challenged. In the beginning, I thought it was not a big deal, but changing this character of mine hurt me in more ways than I could imagine over time. I suppressed my feelings. I tried to not engage in arguments because I hated it (and also because I’m too old and too lazy to argue), and I just brushed things off.
Or at least that was what I thought I was doing.
I’m very, very lucky because Em understands me so well. He knew I was bottling up my feelings, and told me it was unhealthy. He suggested that if I feel the need to say things or voice out my opinion, I should just do it there and then, regardless if I might come off as rude to others.
And this is what I’ve been doing since then, and unsurprisingly, it works wonders. Mentally, I feel so much more at peace, and physically, my body feels so much more relaxed. Amazing how these two parts of yourself intertwined with one another.
I have noticed the look I get from some of Em’s family members. They don’t get it, and while most of the time this annoys me, I don’t blame them. Previously, I would not have understood, too.
We are all programmed to one kind of accepted wifey behaviour, and that is to not be rude to our husband. This is very true, which is why it is highly of importance to communicate with our husband, discuss what’s acceptable, and where to draw the line. It’s a very fine line, one where we must thread carefully. It’s okay if others think you’re being rude, as long as your husband doesn’t. Everything is subjective, and the only opinion that matters is your husband’s.
Battle your own way. Do what works for the both of you.
Popping Little Ones
I know, I know, this is everyone’s favourite topic.
Honestly, I have no idea how one would think the best way to start a conversation with someone whom they have not spoken to for a while is,
“Bila nak ada anak ni?” (When are you going to have babies?)
Am I the only one who thinks it’s such a weird and way too personal of a question to ask someone? Especially those whom you haven’t met for years?
Okay. So.. Em’s industry has slowed down in the past couple of years, it’s a well-known fact I’m sure. Because of this, some of Em’s colleagues suggested we start having babies, since Em wouldn’t be too busy so it might be the perfect time to have one/a couple (in case we get twins, wishful thinking lol).
This was in January 2016 (last year). We thought about it for quite a while.
“Do we want to do this?”
“Are we ready for this?”
We had all sorts of questions that we went through back and forth. Should have known that was an alarming sign of unreadiness, lol. We then agreed to not try, meh, if it happens, it happens.
That was until earlier of this year (January 2017), when we decided to really try. It can’t be the worst thing in the world, right? Whilst waiting for my next cycle, deep down inside, I was wishing that it wouldn’t happen. That was when I realised this was something that I really am not ready for yet.
When it really didn’t happen, a little part of me felt sad, but a bigger part of me was really glad. Em on the other hand, was happy lol. During the process, he had already told me that if it doesn’t happen, he didn’t want to try again, at least not for now, said he wanted us to go on another trip instead. Then why the hell did we try in the first place lol????
Succumbed to people’s idea! Sigh.
Sure, we love playing with our nephews/nieces/friends’ kids. But we also love returning them. According to Em that’s the best part, returning them once they get cranky or start crying, not having to deal with it. Lol.
I know some people get married with one goal in mind – to have babies and start a family, and that’s great, provided that’s what you want. To me, I still am getting to know Em. Our relationship has been on a fast track since we first met. We got engaged nine months after we first met, and we got married nine months later.
It has only been 4.5 years since the first time we laid eyes on each other, we didn’t get to court much back then as we lived in different countries, and spending time with someone virtually is not the same. So basically, I’ve spent only a full three years with him (the age of our marriage). Obviously, there are still more about each other for us to discover. We still wanna do things as a duo. Tak puas lagi.
If our idea doesn’t float with yours, it’s okay. It’s our relationship, it’s our marriage, what we want is the only thing that matters. If this bothers you, you need to reassess your life, methinks (sorry, just saw Wild Child recently).
Have babies. Don’t have babies. Do what works for the both of you.
Do What Works For The Both of You
And not anyone else.
Since this is our third wedding anniversary, I figured it’s fitting to jot down three things I’ve learned over the past three years, so this would be my last point 😊.
I know this is a recurring statement that I’ve been mentioning in the previous two points, but I feel the need to stress on this. It might seem so simple, but it’s something that we all tend to brush off.
Unfortunately, we live in a pleasing-society culture, especially the Malay culture where what others think of us and our actions seem to matter so much. To please everyone is exhausting, and frankly speaking, everyone should mind their own business. Caring about one another is fine, but giving unsolicited advices is annoying and uncalled for.
All relationships/marriages and couples are different, so it’s really important for the both of you to do what works for the both of you. It’s okay if it’s not the norm, it’s okay if others don’t get it, you both found one another and clicked for a reason. Your sacred union is yours and not anyone else’s, don’t let them be in charge of it.
Do what works for the both of you.
Until then, we’re going to keep doing us ☺️.