A couple of days ago, everyone’s favourite Malaysian blogger passed away after battling with a rare type of cancer. It was a short battle, she was diagnosed two weeks before her 29th birthday, and passed just five months after the diagnosis, but I suppose she had been sick since before then?
To be completely honest, despite how big she was, I had no idea who she was until a couple of hours before she passed (and that is my shortcoming, I only stick to the few Malaysian bloggers that I already knew and like). She was in a critical condition, and almost everyone I knew started tweeting about her, asking for our prayers.
The moment the news of her passing broke out, I think everyone was affected by it, including those who didn’t know her virtually/personally, such as myself. Positive messages started pouring in, everyone talked about how much of a beautiful soul she was, as if it was almost a guarantee that she would head straight to heaven.
She passed away on a Friday, in Ramadhan. Verily, only very special souls would be granted such fortune. I have never seen a passing soul constantly being praised, everything that came out from everyone’s mouth was only nice things. Many attended her solat jenazah (Islamic funeral prayer) to pray for her, and her funeral, to pay their last respect. Such a wonderful, wonderful ending to her dunya life.
Her passing was a wake up call.
1. Truly Life is Short
Hence I need to stop worrying and start living. I keep telling myself this since last year, but when I start experiencing an unfamiliar pain, I will start thinking of the worst and would end up with an anxiety attack that lasts up to months.
This was what happened last year. Remember this post? Well, frankly speaking, it didn’t end there. I had a really terrible anxiety for the rest of the year, because the pain was still there (in fact they still do until today, albeit not as painful nor as frequent).
I think my doctor friend was annoyed at some point when I kept texting her asking the same thing over and over again, in my effort to reassure myself. I wasted thousands of Won and Ringgit visiting three different hospitals in both South Korea and Malaysia repeatedly, doing all sorts of tests available. I lost my appetite and lost 9kg within two months, which was great but insane at the same time lol. This was one of the many reasons why I said 2016 was a shitty year.
These days, I experience frequent lower right abdominal pain, which could be a result of a couple of my existing conditions. So far, I’ve managed to handle my anxiety and keep it at a minimum (I think the most important key is to stop Googling your symptoms), but thanks to the word cancer being thrown around left and right since the past couple of days, I am very anxious all over again.
I knew exactly who I needed to speak to, my cancer survivor friend, who told me to stop worrying and to live in the moment. This is what she has been telling me since last year, and this is what I really, really need to do. But I keep on failing over and over again. It pisses everyone around me off, but honestly, there really is no one who is more frustrated than I am.
I want to start living again, living with anxiety is exhausting, I wish I could turn it off with just a flick of a switch. No one wants to experience what I experience on a daily basis, from the moment I wake up to the second I go to bed.
The passing of this blogger proves that life certainly is short, and what is meant to be, will be. There is no point in worrying, and I need to stop wasting my limited time here and just live. The more anxious I get, the more my body will be prone to sickness. Jotting things down, trying to convince myself is easy, but to act on it surely is hard.
I just need to breathe, and live in the moment.
2. Will I Be Loved and Missed?
The way people reacted to the news of her passing made me realise that I probably need to lead a better life. Am I kind enough to others? Am I considerate of their feelings? Do I say things that uplift them or do I just tear them apart?
I generally do not like people. Not that I hate them, I just prefer to not associate myself with too many people. Em said it’s just a part of my personality, something that can’t be helped. I’m not mean unless I want to be, but sometimes I just can’t help being sassy 😩.
I’ve never really thought of it before, considered it to not be a big deal, but now…
I feel so affected by her death. The wonderful things that she must had done to make people overwhelmingly say admirable things about her when she passed. She was loved. A beautiful, beautiful soul, that is gone too soon. Perhaps her soul was too beautiful for this world. I’m sure she will truly be missed by those who knew her. May she be granted the highest place in Jannah.